Friday, April 03, 2009

My Savior: The Catheter Succubus

Death is on my mind constantly.

It started with the first year of treatment in 2004.

It didn't travel in the vicinity of the neighborhood near the province of good times.

When pain visits you consistently and mocks you with its volume, methods of Death make themselves vividly clear.

I am forty-five minutes from buildings in a laboriously ridiculous city that are jump worthy.

Using Craigslist in an attempt to hire a hitman seems easy enough.

Stopping Dialysis also seemed simple and reliable. Then I read what happens to your body once you stop treatment. It was half past pleasant and I've suffered enough.

Then along comes Catheter Succubus.

A simple uncapping of the lines. Large syringe to pull the blood out. Death within a minute as my lifeblood escapes for the very last time.

I would simply pass out from the lack of oxygen in my red blood cells and never wake up.

Planning would need to be performed meticulously.

I'd sell my truck and bike. Give all my useless crap to Goodwill.

Announce my two week notice to my employer and tell everyone I'm going on "sabbatical."

Borrow the biggest loan possible from my 401K.

I'd send half my savings to my best friend and half to my sister with the intention for the money to fund their children's future college educations.

I would include notes for both explaining clearly why I chose to end my life and for them to be thankful I'm no longer suffering.

The final note though will be the hardest series of words I've ever created.

My parents would be heartbroken, but I think my Mom would have another breakdown.

I would take that massive guilt to the grave along with my regrets.

Both plentiful, yet totally inconsequential.

I would request for my body to be cremated and my ashes to be spread from the middle of the span of the Golden Gate Bridge. I could view it from the sixth floor of Moffitt Hospital at UCSF while I was recovering from my first kidney transplant.

Some days it was my only friend.

This sounds like an excellent plan, but I'll have to muse upon it a little bit longer.

I feel like I'm missing something.


  1. Hi Stacy,

    I felt exactly like you do when I was on in center hemodialysis.

    But you have to believe me when I say both PD and daily home hemo are really much better.

    I got my life back first with PD and then after 6 years of PD, when I had to quit because of an infection, I switched to daily nocturnal home hemo. This was also really good.

    Have you considered either of them?

  2. I let myself go there sometimes but reading it here left me feeling concerned. If you're dwelling on this too much reach out.

    Getting a dog is always a good idea in my book - a service dog can be for anxiety or because it makes life tolerable - he/she could quietly sit while you do your show. Plus, great way to meet the ladies.

  3. Miriam Lippel BlumApril 4, 2009 at 3:10 PM

    I have been there, too, Stacy, the overwhelming pain and despair and no place to let it out. I also had friends tell me how much my personality changed when I was on in-center hemo. It really takes a lot out of one...and much more than toxins and fluid.

    Please explore alternative dialysis methods. I did great on PD for 6 years. I never had an infection, worked full time, and felt well. Now I am on home hemo and I feel very well.

    I know it's hard when you're already feeling so depressed to find the energy to fight but I think Stacy E. is worth fighting for. And that Stacy E. should fight for the best life he can and not settle for in-center. Change doctors if you need to, change units to one that has a home dialysis program. And go find someone, a counselor you can talk to--not a family member or friend, but someone where you can vent and not feel like you're imposing.

    Hang in there.

  4. Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique
    recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it
    really does work and will make you smile.

    1) Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that
    hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
    2) Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool
    running water.
    3) Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
    4) No one knows your secret place.
    5) You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
    6) The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with
    a cascade of serenity.
    7) The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out
    the face of Rerun's head that you are holding underwater.

    Sorry, I'm projecting. Just what
    is missing?