Sunday, June 14, 2009

An Open Letter to My Fellow Dialysis Patients Regarding the State of the Bathroom

People often ask why I rail against the patients of my clinic so harshly.

To put if succinctly: they're neandarthal pigs.

The following is a list of random occurences that have randomly occured at random times, occuring on the occurence when I begin my treatment:

--- Pool o' Urine

Gentlemen (and quite possibly ladies...and I use both terms extremely loosely) how difficult is it to aim liquid at a cylindrical bowl? Did you never water a garden properly? Play the water shooter into the clowns mouth at the carnival. Sheesh.

I dearly love my Converse. All four pair. I wear them every single stinkin' day to Dialysis because they're comfortable, they're rocking the cool and they make me happy.

Sticky pools of urinary wastes delving into the pores of my favorite feet accessories make me incredibly angry.

And vomit a little in my mouth.

--- Lack of Lever Use

This happens nearly every day. Some nickel and dime IQ dweller doesn't have the common sense or class to dispose of their biggest accomplishment of the day.

So there it sits, clogging up the bowl, teetering on extinction.

And now it becomes my job to send it on its way.

Unfair. Unwise. And totally unnatural.

--- Feces Control

If you're eating something presently, I would avoid the next few sentences.

Feces on the floor. Hanging off the side of the bowl. On the wall. In the sink.

And my personal all-time, five years on Dialysis favorite?

Stuck to the wall next to the lou with toilet paper.

That one was just a few weeks ago.

I thought it was just monkeys that played with their excrement.

No, Dialysis patients do too.

Until I have the Catheter Succubus removed, I need to use that little room to change into my "Dialysis Shirt." (i.e. the flannel shirt I bought in 1988 from Millers Outpost so I don't care what substances are left remaining on its fading cotton)

I beg of you fellow Dialysis zombies: use our treatment bathroom as though she is a fine, delicate woman. Handle her with care. Gently. Don't abuse her. Or throw her around like a rag doll. And don't leave her with the check.

Just one final word to my fellow patients:

Feces is not a toy.