Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Evildoers of Dialysis

If you're about to start Dialysis, there is one absolutely, positively, unbridaled fact that no one will tell you.

Not the nurses. Not your nephrologist.

No one in the administrative staff will step up and state this clearly and unequivocally.

I was certainly not informed. I wish I had been. I could have prepared more effectively.

You're going to be seated next to assholes. And douchebags. Doucheholes and assbags.

Think about all the people you meet in everyday life. What percentage do you believe fit into the above categories?

Maybe you're nicer than me (most probably) or more accepting of others (I hope so) but after over seven years of forced occupation with some of these cretins, I believe I have become a bonafide expert.

Is every patient a jerk? Of course not. I don't tend to socialize at treatment simply because my psyche associates every living creature, every piece of equipment to be pure, bloodied evil.

But that's just me. I have serious issues.

There just happens to be individuals who will inflict their will on you, regardless of good manners, proper etiquette, or just good old fashioned courtesy.

Which brings me to the point of this post:

*** The Top 3 Evildoers of Dialysis ***

3) The Godfather of Farts

Saturdays are chaotic at Dialysis, and its no fault of the staff. Most of the time, everyone is running late because knuckleheads who've missed treatment during the week call at the last minute and whine about needing a treatment.

If you missed appointments anywhere else, they would tell you to fuck off and slam the phone down.

But not at Dialysis. Unfortunately.

I'm usually a Monday, Wednesday, Friday patient, so I know who to expect when I enter the rancid floor.

But because my pussy body can't make it through the weekend, I add an extra day to the treatment week.

That's right, I allow Dialysis to ruin my weekends.

So instead of patients like Neckish Princess and Petite Raven Hair, I'm forced to endure the Godfather of Farts.

I am going to make an assumption about this individual, so bear with me.

His diet led him to Dialysis.

From the moment he enters, he's farting. And not just run-of-the-mill, all-American, I-just-had-Chicken-McNuggets and a loaf of cheese farts.

I must take a moment now and quote my hero, George Carlin:

"The kind of fart that could strip the varnish off a foot locker. A fart that could end a marriage."

The ventilation system at my clinic is non-existent, so clouds of farts hang around him.

Hugging him. Cherishing him. Asking for more toxic farts.

And if this gentleman walked into any Italian bar, he would be welcome with open arms because he looks just like Marlon Brando in "The Godfather." You'd have to do a double blink and roll your fists into your eyes and glance again. Its astonishing really.

He also likes to mock patients when they're in pain, so maybe he should be higher on the list.

2) Masturbating Fred Flintstone

If Raven Haired Temptress hadn't informed me of his behavior, I probably wouldn't have noticed. Once I'm leaned back into my chair, the laptop flies open so I can lose myself in the latest attempt at a blockbuster from Hollywood.

He wears plaid shorts and no underwear. Once treatment starts, his rainbow blanket flies over his body, Telemundo gets switched on and this guy goes to town.

I feel bad for the staff when it comes to patients like this. How do you even broach the subject?

And does he ever wash that blanket?

Since his hygeine is also in questions (how difficult is it to shower more than once a week) I'm going to guess, hmm, less than never.

1) Jabba the Hutt

Who could be worse than a chronic farter & addictive masturbator?

Welcome to the human form of Jabba the Hutt.

From the moment he enters, the flip flops fly off and he's shuffling around barefoot.

To those not aware, here's what he could be stepping in:

Blood. Vomit. Feces. Spit. And, since the masturbator is on my shift, apparently semen.

I understand taking your shoes off because your feet are swollen. Occasionaly, I'm forced to do that. But prancing around barefoot?

He also eats the entire time he's there. Candy and junk food.

As I've mentioned previously, the aroma of unwashed ass and baby poop hugs the air in my clinic. Why would you ever want to eat?

The worse is when halfway through his treatment he vomit.

It happens. Again, I get it. But you brought this on yourself.

And once the staff cleans him up, he goes back to...eating.

One night I couldn't take the smell anymore. Like stale swiss cheese and burnt hair. Like he hadn't washed his feet since the Bicentennial.

This night was the second time in my seven year history that I've signed paperwork to get off the machine early. The other time, the stairwell at my apartment had collapsed.

Now you get the idea of how horribly awful it was.

If you're about to start Dialysis, here's what I recommend:

1) Noise cancelling headphones.

This is mostly for the Emmy award winners who scream on their cellphones, unwilling to comprehend that cell technology has reached a point where you could whisper and the individual on the other end could hear you.

2) Lavender

Some of the drains get backed up with all the urine that is extracated from patients, so you'll want to be prepared. Also, unless you're on the night shift (and even then) other patients may not shower regularly. Its sad, but its a fact you'll have to deal with.

3) DVD Player

Three hours crawls by without distractions. You can get great deals at Target (and the salespeople won't hassle you like at "Best Buy") with batteries that last long past your scheduled treatment time.

4) A Taser

Ok, now I'm just kidding. Sort of.


  1. I think your story is worth a read...the pains and sufferings that patients go through when with illness is unthinkable.Nice to see it from your eyes too.

  2. Wow... hello from Brazil..please, keep whriting!